Zodiac Note
by kurapixa
Summary: Ted Cruz, a very hot 45 year old high school senior, lives in an ever-rotting world. Though there seems to be little to no hope for humanity in the beginning, opportunity comes knocking at his door in the form of a thin, college-ruled notebook one afternoon. Will he take his ideals to the extreme? Will he be found out? Will he be trumped? Only time will tell...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N : Okay, so obviously I do not claim to own Ted Cruz or Guy Fieri or anyone else in this fanfiction, nor do I own the idea for Death Note. Also, no politicians were actually killed in the making of this fanfiction so please do not put me in prison okay thanks? :D**

Ted Cruz is hot. Like, _really_ hot. Not only is he really hot, but he is also the top student in his class. He currently has seven girl friends. However, his life - nay, his world - is not perfect. Far from it, actually, and Ted Cruz is well aware of it. He knows that this world is rotten. It needs reform. That's why, when he graduates, he will run for president. Until then, though, he will have to continue his average life in his below average world for as long as he can take it.

Or will he...?

It is on a stale monday afternoon on his way home from cram school that a notebook in the grass catches Ted Cruz's eye. It is black and reads "Death Note" on the front. He disregards this. He picks it up and skims through the empty pages. Seeing that it is completely blank, he pockets it and heads home. He figures he could use it to write down his number for girls because he always uses up all of his paper on that.

When he gets home, he says hi to his mom and then goes upstairs and hunches over his desk. He has had a long day, and needs to breathe. However, his breathing becomes hitched and he collapses on his chair when a loud creature of some sort suddenly appears in the shadowy corner of his room.

It is called "Guy Fieri"

"W-Who are you?" Ted Cruz yelps. He scrunches up his face in confusion.

"Guy Fieri!," the creature roars. He has spikey hair and is stuck in 2005. He steps closer to Cruz.

"Why are you here?"

Guy chuckles.

"Well, ya picked up my book, didn't ya?"

Ted looks at the notebook on his desk.

"Y-Yeah, I guess I did. LOL do u want it back?"

Guy cringes when Ted Cruz says LOL.

"Of course not! I'm just here to tell you the rules! Okay, first thing's first! Once you use the Death Note to kill someone, you will no longer be able to go to Flavortown after you die! Secondly, you-"

But Ted Cruz interrupts him.

"Kill someone...?" he mutters under his breath. The idea seems crazy at first, but when he really starts to think about it...

"Can I test it out?" he blurts. Guy looks appalled, but nods nonetheless. Ted pulls out a green pencil with an large Shrek eraser and begins to scrawl a name on the paper.

"Who'd ya get?" Guy asks after a few moments. He has been waiting forever because Ted writes really slow. He is dum.

"Bush," Ted replies, and within that moment, a news report lights up on the TV screen.

Sure enough, there he is. The former perpetrater of the attacks on 9/11.

"Hey, good one," Guy says. He pulls a diner-quality burger out of seemingly nowhere and take a large juicy bite. He can tell by the giddy smile on Ted's face that this will be the first of many long, murder-filled nights.

Little does Cruz know, though, someone is already on his trail, just waiting to trump him...


	2. Chapter 2

Criminals were dying all over the U.S.

The police were like what? because they are dum.

Becuase of this, they recruited the help of America's best detective ever, Mr. Donald J. Trump. He is a big man with big plans. However, he built up so many emotional walls that no1 knows who he really is. Therefore, he is a secret.

"Killers are dumb," Trump spat. He was talking about the Ted Cruz. However, he did not know who Ted Cruz was yet. No one did. He was simply known as "Zodiac Killer" to the public. Trump's assistant guy, Mitt Romney (idk who that is but?) snorted.

"But Trump, the killer is killing killers! Ironic amiright?"

Mitt Romney, too, was dum.

"Put a sock in it," Trump roared. He kicked Mitt Romney in the neck and Mitt Romney fell to the floor. He died.

Trump then looked at his reflection in his computer screen. He, like Ted Cruz, was Very Hot.

He scrunched up his face, like usual, and headed out the door. He was going to apply to Trump University, bc Ted Cruz would also attend Trump University, and he knew it. All he had left to do is find out exactly who Ted Cruz was. Peharps become his BFF. He shuddered at the thought, though, becuase he wasn't used to letting people in. He would have trouble letting his walls come down.

He shed a single tear and walked out of his building.

He was on his way.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N - I was going to do the Tennis match in this chapter but it started getting kinda so**

 **Also why do you people keep reading this you need help**

It was Ted Cruz's first day of college and boy was he nervous! He shielded his eyes with his clammy hands and read the sign above him. It said, "Trump University". It was the most prestigious college in America.

"omg he's hot," a whisper said. Then soon enough, all of the girls were sizing him up and down and gossiping about how hot he was. However, when Cruz turned around, he learned that some of the girls weren't talking about him. Instead, they were cooing over the blonde man behind him - and he could see why.

The blonde man had blonde hair and freshly tanned orange skin and an cute scruched up face. He was the model type for sure.

"He sure is a looker !," Guy Fieri said. He was hoopin' and hollerin' and being, in Cruz's opinion, very obnoxious.

"Shut up Guy Fieri" he said.

Guy stuck his beefy tongue out at Cruz. His breath smelled of hamburger meat and failure. He did shut up, though, because it was now time for the first big test of the day.

xxx

Cruz wiped the sweat off of his cumbersome forehead. The test had taken a gruelling 4 minutes and he was now but an empty shell. His eyes had a vacant gaze to them and his mouth hung slightly ajar. To the casual observer, he might have been mistaken as 'dum'.

While Ted Cruz sat there, absent from his own body, the proffessor stood up and cleared his throat.

"Okay, guys. I am done grading your tests. The highest grade belongs to..."

Cruz smiled smugly. He was always the smartest.

"...Mr. Dump!"

Cruz's smile fell. Maybe he was dum... :(

But then he realized something.

"Dump...? As in the famous detective!?"

He turned his head behind him and Trump was just inches away from his face.

"I am Dump."

It was the cute blonde? He was hot AND smart?

"A-Ah. Hello there, um, Dump." Ted Cruz said with a cute lil smile. Guy Fieri laughed from the side.

"Ted, was it? Ted, you seem a little upset. Please, don't feel stupid just because I am a very smart man. It is not your fault that I have the highest I.Q. in the world!"

Ted felt offended but kept it to himself.

Then the proffesor spoke up.

"Okay, you guys can go play outside now. The class is over."

Everyone had a big smile.

"Say, Cruz, how's about we go play a match of tennis," Trump, or 'Dump' said.

Ted Cruz gave a fake smile and said "O.K."

He knew he would have to kill Dump so that the Death Note would not be discovered. He clutched the notebook in his small yuri hand and headed outside behind Dump.

xxx

"Uh, hey, man! I'll, uh, keep score in my notebook," Cruz said, "so what did you say your name was again? Your full name?"

Trump squinted at the man and then straigtened the ruffles of his tennis skirt.

"It's Dump! Tonald Dump!"

Cruz smirked to himself and scrawled the name down in the Death Note. Only 30 seconds until this guy falls to his own death... .


	4. Chapter 4

Dear loyal readers -

Because I am taking so long to produce the long-awaited Tennis Match chapter, I have decided to award you all with a beautiful trailer for this trash heap of a fanfiction

LINK - watch?v=UjEw-yieD4U&feature=

You're welcome. :-) 


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